April 21, 2024

Words by Leylander: Ask the Fetus First

Ask the fetus? I know it sounds stupid. I am also fully aware that parents have all the right to give their children the names that tickle their fancy. But must the children suffer? Must the parents choose the smelliest sounding names for their children so that they could see them grow up hating the mere act of wearing their name tags?

Changing Times

Times have changed, people. A name is NOT JUST a name. In your time Virgatinia may sound heavenly but today, it sounds like shiz. And if your reason is that you wanted to BE ORIGINAL or unique, think again. Many kids would rather pay to get names like Caroline or Michelle than bear the consequences of having a foul-smelling Gorgonyita or Otinyano.

My Name

Why am I even talking about this? Well, I just wanted to help the countless Henriquitos and Justinianas out there to voice out what they really feel. I mean, I’m really not that happy with my name either. And I didn’t even know what it meant until recently – I had to be the major butt-of the-joke the whole week when friends discovered it by accident.

You see, one fine day, Michelle just suddenly had the urge to know the story behind my name. She thought there was something fishy about it.

And then, unfortunately, they discovered it. Since they knew that I’m a ‘fourth-of-Julyer’, they counted nine months backward – to the supposed sperm cell meet egg cell period. That’s OCTOBER. Checking for important October events, they got the Leyte Landing.

Now, don’t tell me that you still don’t get it because I swear I’m gonna hit you in the face!

Anyways, that’s not the real point of this blog, I was just sharing.

Living Exhibits

Okay, so the couple next door is Jonathan and Linda. Trying to be witty, they named their first-born Linjon. They were blessed with another boy a few years later. So, trying to be witty again, they named him Jonlin. I was like, What the FUCK? Honestly, I really half-expected that their next son would be Jonlinjon and their fourth Linjonlin. Luckily, they got a girl. So they named her Jonlee. Witty, ei?

The couple next door had another thing in mind. They thought that the more names their children have, the more classy their family would be.

Their first son is Adam Floyd Richard Christopher
Their second son is Joshua James Ian Christopher
And their first daughter is Elizabeth Mariz Christa Jane

Then they enrolled all three in a private school. Cool, ei?


All three, by the end of their first grade, couldn’t write their entire names correctly. So, the parents spent thousands of bucks to have the names changed. Now, son A is just Adam, son B is just Ian, and daughter A is just Jane. Tsk tsk tsk.

And yeah, my cousin’s name is Jerk Hikel. For real. What kind of name is that? If his parents hadn’t parted ways, I bet they’d name Hikel’s younger sister Bullshit Veronica.

A Simple Plea

So what am I trying to say?

Simply, MOMS, DADS, and future moms and dads, please choose a good name for your children. Don’t think that KAHLIL ABDIR would sound good on a boy with a flat nose coz it wouldn’t. And don’t freaking name your girl Tiny or Baby or Princess like she wouldn’t grow up.

Be on the safe side and don’t try to stand out. If you can’t help it, ask the fetus. They may not talk back, but still, ask. Ask the fetus first.



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